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Tips for Writing

June 28, 2008 – 10:33 pm

So that I attribute where I discovered this gem, please refer to the Robust Writing blog.  I love this blog.  I love these tips from C.S. Lewis.

1. Always try to use the language so as to make quite clear what you mean and make sure your sentence couldn’t mean anything else.
2. Always prefer the clean direct word to the long, vague one. Don’t implement promises, but keep them.
3. Never use abstract nouns when concrete ones will do. If you mean “More people died” don’t say “Mortality rose.”
4. In writing, don’t use adjectives which merely tell us how you want us to feel about the things you are describing. I mean, instead of telling us the thing is “terrible,” describe it so that we’ll be terrified. Don’t say it was “delightful”; make us say “delightful” when we’ve read the description. You see, all those words (horrifying, wonderful, hideous, exquisite) are only like saying to your readers “Please, will you do my job for me.”
5. Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say “infinitely” when you mean “very”; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite. [bold emphasis mine]

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Less Cars, More Horse Carts

June 28, 2008 – 9:25 pm

For those of you driving cars purchased a few years ago under the guise of being economical, welcome to $50.00 for a tank of gas. At $50.00 twice a week, count me in for a horse and buggy as my Honda Civic has attained SUV expense levels and therefore transcends my plebian economic status. Livestock makes me sneeze and I’m sure I’ll miss the AC in the summer, but the savings should keep me at two meals a day most days. Yeah, I’m suffering, I can even count my ribs… As much as I am loath to navigate traffic in a horse drawn cart, these high gas prices are good, and believe it or not, the day gas hits $5.00 a gallon should be a day of celebration.

What? Are you sane? Do you live in the same world as the rest of us where a twice weekly $50.00 bill makes a difference? Well actually, yes, I do, (see my horsey cart). I am also a firm believer in the idea that crisis tends to be the greatest catalyst for the best long term positive changes and technological advancement that a complex society can achieve. Economic crisis is upon us (Us meaning…? I will at least say me and my family.), not only in gas prices, but in the over inflated housing market, in the value of the Dollar against international currencies, in the rising prices of groceries. What could affect my life more than messing with my transportation, sustenance, money, and way of life? How do I make up the gap between high costs and the devalued dollar? Do I work harder and longer to make more dollars, (which are of less worth) to compensate for the added costs of feeding my family and commuting to work? Trying to earn more to make ends meet simply consigns me to a guaranteed state of financial diminishing marginal returns, and I have the sinking feeling that I am on the diminishing side of the equation. Nevertheless, why would I invite unnecessary personal hardships if the crisis at hand can only be averted by an organic large scale response? In the case of high gas prices, a catastrophic reduction in the demand for gas would cause fervent concern in economic markets and an equally fervent drive to replace the lost economy. Economies, and I daresay lifestyles, do not change quickly or willingly. Because it’s just me, my equine activism is generally inconvenient, embarrassing, and generally worthy of derision, (Hi Noah, that’s a nice ark you’re building…).

High gas prices are good. America depends on oil to maintain transportation, industry, defense, day to day creature comforts at home, and there is no easy or quick way to break this link. Of the average amount of imported oil that America consumes on a daily basis, seven of the top suppliers (Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, Venezuela, Angola, Iraq, Kuwait and Algeria) are OPEC members, and unless I am entirely mistaken, at the very least, OPEC doesn’t have America’s best interests in mind. Politically, its seems reducing dependence upon countries or organizations who don’t represents American interests would be beneficial because it would increase American diplomatic power by eliminating a significant bargaining chip from the other team’s hand. Economically, one could make the case that OPEC would quake at the thought of losing America as it’s top customer, but with China’s rising demand for oil, the overall consternation of reduced American consumption might be short lived. Personally, I perceive little love from most of the Middle East or Venezuela, which leads me to believe that we’d be better served to limit political leverage for and economic dependence on these countries. Call me old Mr. Jingo, but in this case, I definitely feel like it’s “Us vs. Them.”

Ok, political discussion aside, severely high prices at the pump will necessarily reduce demand on gas, incrementally at first, but with rising momentum as prices rise. During the gas crisis of the 70’s, (I’m not much of a scholar of the 70’s, I was born in 1976 and spent most of the rest of that decade deciding whether potty training was for me) what resulted from the long lines, high prices, and fuel shortages? Speed limits were dropped to 55 mph (not a good idea) and cars like the 1971 Chevy Impala were extincted in favor of gems like the Ford Fiesta and any Toyota that American’s could get their hands on. Why? The need to use gas more economically finally became a necessity and only then was there enough market incentive to dramatically change the face of the automobile industry. Without that crisis, what would cars look like today? In some ways, maybe it is unfortunate that the monolithic, tongue chewing American automobile industry (in this case as we’re discussing gas in terms of vehicle use) innovates and improves for the next generation of transportation only under the constrains of crisis. I hope we’ve entered that crisis, where some real, long term positive changes will come to market and alter American economic and political fortunes to be more internationally advantageous. An economically and politically powerful America means a better world for everybody.

True innovation will come at a price. I believe we’ve already entered the economic crisis, which means that it’s too late to proactively plan for and evade our economic pain. C’est la vie. Who really has the foresight or motivation to enact sweeping changes without the force of catastrophe? Our pain means we enjoy the pain of paying $5.00 a gallon for gas in the near future. Our pain means we’ll bear higher food costs with perhaps a lot of fuss, but complete resignation. Our pain means we’ll sweat our dollar being half the value of their Euro. Ultimately, I pay for the changes that matter most through my sweat, stress, worry, and long hours spent to make ends meet. Ultimately, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The power of crisis, especially in a free market economy, means that while the price may be exacted upon every person, we will all benefit in a much greater capacity when the new skin has finally come to fit.

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The Socially Acceptable Revolution

May 27, 2008 – 5:09 pm

The other day I went walking with my humans and began to muse on the dichotomy between what constitutes socially acceptable treatment towards humans as opposed to canines, and I have to say, I am most distressed at my relatively low position in society. I will have to explore further this disparity of treatment, as it’s seems wholly illogical and unfair, but my best guess is that humans derive my inequality either from the fact that i walk on four feet, or that I don’t speak their language. Either way, I sense that they think I am intellectually inferior, and therefore incapable of caring about my social standing. Little do they know that I, Willis the Doberman, am a complex individual, capable of deep feelings and emotions, and I am here to speak my mind to the world.

I’ve often wondered why the wearing of shoes limited to people. I can see the logic and benefit of wearing shoes, as they protect feet from sharp objects, from rain and snow, and from toes and toe nails being torn, among many other uses. It makes sense to them to put shoes on their feet, but never seems to cross their minds that, hey, ol’ Willis over here might like to wear shoes too. I believe there is a misconception that dogs prefer to walk around in their natural state, with the idea in mind that dogs feet were designed to operate with pads and claws exposed. I admit claws come in useful, but I prefer to think of them in the same way people might think of finger nails. When I’m itchy, my claws are nice. If I need to hold down a bone to chew on, my claws are nice. If I need to dig a hole, so much the better. But when I’m walking along the sidewalk, let’s put some shoes on. What makes them think I like stepping in puddles or muddy grass? Who said I enjoy trudging through 12 inches of snow in my bare paws? Just like anybody else, I don’t like stepping in gum, mud, or poo, so why deny my right to shoes? Is this a conspiracy to keep me down in the world? I believe my only tactic for change is to wipe my paws in protest. If I step in gum, I shall trod on the couch until it comes off. If I step in mud, I shall track on the white carpet. If I step in pee, then the bed is what I see.  I wash my paws of these actions, my forced inequality frees me to act in defiance of the tyranny.

Another alarming double standard is that people assume it’s acceptable for any old stranger to come up and touch a dog, whereas, it’s not kosher to just go up and touch someone’s infant. How is this okay?  Sure, babies can pick up some nasty fungus from little Johnny’s grubby fingers, but what about me?  I don’t want those lollipop coated booger digits touching me.  Keep away, I’m queasy enough just looking at you, why would I what you to touch me? And if I am so unfortunate that I don’t escape Mr. Piggy’s attentions, why won’t people clean me up with wet wipes and that nice alcohol based hand gel? They do it readily enough with their little brats. Unlike you’re little bundle of love, I don’t howl when I want something AND I even sleep through the night, is this too much to ask?

If we’re comparing equality based on interactions, again, dogs are much more sophisticated and tend to make much better mating decisions. For example, I had the nauseating honor of watching a teenage male and female engaged in some sort of odd discovery process. They sat next to each other for about an hour, holding hands under the table (Huh? What does that do?) and grunting all red faced at each other. I’m not sure what they got out of it to be honest. Why don’ they just sniff each other’s butts and be done with it? I can sniff a prospective mate and know at first sniff if she is going to be compatible with me. It’s so much more efficient that way and you don’t waste time acting like a twit.

It’s clear that we dogs are just as sophisticated as humans. Humans have funny notions of socially acceptable, and in my book, they could learn a little bit of tolerance and open mindedness. We dogs accept them at any time and in any state (coming home from work grumpy, waking up grumpy) and make no social distinction for their irrational quirks. Please, humans and dogs, let’s right the wrongs and give place to the dog nation so that we too can experience the full joy of true American freedom.

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Big Bad Doberman

May 23, 2008 – 12:10 am

Willis the proud, well named doberman here, ready to rant…

Can I just say that I’m not proud of the name Willis? I can’t imagine how one might affix the name Willis to, well, me. It’s doesn’t really fit the image I’m going for here. For example:

I’m not sure about you, but when I look at this picture, the name Willis doesn’t exactly come to mind. For me, having a name Willis is like being jammed in a pair of pants (if I were human) that is 2 sizes too small and asking if my butt’s too big. Of course it is! It’s obvious to everyone but you how silly you look! Now go eat more salad and wear pants with stretchy elastic waists so no one will notice.

Willis. Thanks, I’m pretty happy about this.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that my human companions are a little vacant, based off their TV watching habits. Who watches, or maybe even more importantly, who cares about those entertainment magazine TV shows? I can’t think of anything less significant that worrying about what person with a familiar face who I’ve never met is in rehab. The brain drain that occurs when Access Hollywood comes on is galling to be sure, but what bothers me even more is that people actually make careers following other people around and reporting on the mundane details of theirs lives. Um, is it just me or would that be really, really unfulfilling? I get so depressed thinking about paparazzi that I want to watch Sex and the City so that I can at least get a good nap in. For what it’s worth, for the best night’s sleep ever, Sex and the City’s the ticket.

For my next rant, I would just like to say that American’s are fat. I base my statement on two observations. First my humans are both chunky, and so are all their friends and their friends kids, (hey kids, less video games, more running outside). Second, based off the ample doggie bags they bring home from their restaurants, and given their voracious appetites which keep the family food bills high, I’d say they eat too much. Why does a meal served to one have to be big enough to feed a family of four? Who eats half a chicken, 3 ice cream scoops of mashed potatoes, a pile of vegetables, and a nice light dessert of chocolate cheesecake at one sitting, (and don’t forget the soda that was refilled 6 times)? Apparently Americans. Perhaps having a big belly is pleasurable. Perhaps huffing and puffing to get up from the couch is desirable. Perhaps popping buttons on shirts and pants is the latest trend in Hollywood. For myself, I wouldn’t know. I’m Willis the big bad doberman.

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Dark Doggy Drama

May 20, 2008 – 11:03 pm

Soup Nuts: [Toy Poodle] YAP! Yap! Yip, yip yap? (HEY! Willis, what are you doing?)

Willis: [Doberman] Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. (*Teeth bared* Get lost Soup Nuts, I’m busy laying in the sun.)

Soup Nuts: Did you hear what’s for dinner tonight?

Willis: Let me guess… Science Diet? I can’t wait.

Soup Nuts: Wow, how’d you know? I wish I were as smart as you Willis. I hate being a toy poodle, it’s very discouraging to be cute but not smart.

Willis: I’m pretty sure you’re not cute. Hope you have a good personality.

Soup Nuts: Oh, you’re so funny! I’m sure the big pink things that walk around on two legs love me. Do you really think I’m not that cute? They make a big fuss all over me, see how they painted my claws and put these pretty red bows in my ears? They must really find me endearing, although I’m not sure I understand the purpose of this red stuff on my claws. I’m at least a little cute aren’t I? The pink one named Ally carries me in a nice bag, doesn’t that mean she thinks I’m adorable?

Willis: I suppose you can put lipstick on a pig. Please go away now.

Soup Nuts: You really want me to go away? I’m feeling frisky and happy and energetic and chatty and jumpy and silly and…

Willis: Soup Nuts!

Soup Nuts: [Surprised] What?

Willis: Go away. Now.

Soup Nuts: But Willlllliiiisssssssssssss…. Please can we play? Please, please pleeeeeeeease?

Willis: (Sigh) [*Aside* First I am adopted and named “Willis”, and second, I am encumbered with this mistake of nature who yaps all the time, shivers if the temp goes below 70 degrees, and requires a visit to the spa every other week.] Ok, let’s play, but you have to do everything I say.

Soup Nuts: Ohboyohboyohboythankyouthankyouthankyou!!!! I can’t wait, what are we going to play, I’m so excited, this is the best, I love you Willis, you’re the best!

Willis: Please. Be quite. Ok, follow me over by the couch.

Soup Nuts: What’s the couch?

Willis: Nevermind, just follow me, and don’t make a noise, otherwise, you’ll lose.

Soup Nuts: [Eyes wide] Oh! I don’t want to lose! [Clamps mouth shut]

[They walk over to the couch, Soup Nuts in tow]

Willis: Ok, see this thing here? Just nod. [Soup Nuts nods] This is called a storage ottoman. The only thing that you really need to know is that this storage ottoman has a lid, which I have discovered how to open. Watch. [Noses up the lid a few inches]

Soup Nuts: Whoa… That is SO cool!

Willis: I told you to keep quite. You’re not cute or smart right now, if you keep quite, maybe I’ll change my mind.

Soup Nuts: Whoops, sorry. [Clamps mouth shut again]

Willis: Ok, here’s the game. I’ll open this lid and you jump in and bury yourself all the way at the bottom. The longer you keep quite, the more you win. If you try to escape, you’ll lose 1/2 your points. If you aren’t on the bottom when the game ends, you’ll lose 1/2 your points. Got it?

Soup Nuts: Got it! Oh boy, this sounds like fun! Open the lid, I can’t wait to win! [bouncing up and down with anticipation]

Willis: [Noses lid open] Ok, jump in. Be a champ!

[Soup Nuts jumps in, and starts burrowing toward the bottom. Willis lets lid fall closed.]

Willis: Think I’ll flip this little latch here… Problem solved. The funny smells emanating from the living room in a few days should alert everybody. Now where was that sun patch?

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Protected: Dog Determination

May 19, 2008 – 11:04 pm

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Protected: Duty and Feeling

May 15, 2008 – 8:25 pm

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